23.10.08
= that's it. =
Sheesh. PW more important than A Level's?! maybe. "but i booked this room for PW" and all you hear is chalet planning. NOTHING to do with pw at all.
LT3 was booked for SEA i believe. and we didn't even chase them out. and they who were graciously allowed to stay with the hopes that they keep quiet enough for us to do our SBQ. and ok. whisper whisper, ups decibels, talk talk, up decibels, shriek shriek. shhh!!! they say. okok. and so. the one who says shhh!!! is actually, the most noisy one. oh great.
and then. _d_d__ comes in. and makes more noise! yay! not. and then. where does the topic go, but to band. hm. i wonder why. and overhears..
_d_d__ (summary): so what if you appeal through cca? you can just say you served your year's worth of service. and why do you need to practice so much anyway? just play when the whole group comes together la.
fuck. you think it's that easy? i'd like to see you try and be good at it without the practice. i wonder how ccas get good results without the students working on it. and i wonder what gives the appealed student the rights to only serve one year when you HAVE to serve your full term. not just one or two years, but your full term. i wonder how you came to be in the school in the first place. by your credit? no. by the cca. and the teachers and instructors and the seniors who believed in you and vouched for you. believed in you to be responsible. and that, in addition to studying, includes being loyal to your cca. i wonder, _d_d__, what happened to tenacity, passion and integrity in the pursuit of truth. how can you teach your students to behave this way. and so the very aggitated me stormed out of LT3 into the toilet to calm down. and went back smiling.
and when alex asked them to keep their volumes down, hoping that it'd actually turn the volume down, i wonder why there's no attempt to quieten down.
_d_d__ (summary): oh. i booked this room (LT3) for pw.
but sir! we had this room booked for history.
_d_d__ (summary): oh you go check with GO la.
yadayada and blahblah... and what gives you the rights to laugh at the J2s who are really working for A Level's? even if you claim pw is important, is it more important than the rest of the A level's? and what gives you the rights to laugh at us? "it is so not funny. soooo not funny." with fists clamped and all. thank goodness that colin came in right at that moment and that alex and eileen were calm. otherwise, i'd probably get into freaking trouble. thank goodness they told me to calm down.
but what gives him the right to do this to us? what gives him the rights to actually disturb the studying J2s? that he booked the room FOR PW and thus have a right to make noise, even when there are students studying? that he is a teacher? i really don't understand how people like him can become teachers. there's no good example. telling a student to just drop a responsibility he is obliged to do? saying that A level's overall not as important as a measely PW? comeon! and what rights do you have, to justify that you have the rights to the room because you booked it for pw, And at no point do you discuss pw, but instead, CHALET? since when was chalet pw? since when? i say since when?
i really nearly just went up to him and do the thing that my dad always does when things that are not right happens. things that are injustices, things that simply defy morals. there was the urge to just talk him down. i know i have the ability to, but since i was still a student, and a exam candidate with my first paper next thursday, not a good thing to do. at all. you never know what these kind of people will do to you, especially with their abusing of their power and status.
poor are the oppressed and powerless.
my my. what an unequal world...
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21:36
leaveheart.. 0
17.10.08
= that's it. =
we've got a puffer fish!!
yesh, it's that cute. when it swims, it's tail closes, but when it stops, the tail opens.
and chiangchiang! it's carnivorous. =...=
it nips the tails of the two remaining guppies in the fish tank, and it's turning against it's good friend the plecostomus and trying to nip it's tail too. the poor guppy's tail grew out when the puffer fish was busy eating earthworms, but the now fussy puffer fish refuses to eat unfreash earthworms and start nipping their tails again. thus, the beautiful long fan tailed plae colored graceful guppy with really nice spots that changes color when it moves has now a jaggered tail and the poor blue mosiac delta guppy's tail is so short that it probably flips it two times faster than before in order to swim as fast. and well, the plecostomus is so fast that it rarely gets nipped in the tail, but it's dangerous..... bad puffer fish. but it's damn cute. the piece of junk wood in the tank has this opening at the top and there is where the puffer fish retreats to sleep. stupid fish. but it's adorable.
http://fish.orbust.net/dwarfpuffer.html
the terrapin grew to become a red eared slider turtle. (in what way is THAT a terrapin!) its huge. it's shell maybe as long as my forearm.. the big one's the female, called bian3 bian3 (flat flat) cos of her concave shell. duno why it's like that, probably because the other one climbs on her shell. the other one's smaller, but still huge.it's called yuan2 yuan2 (round round) and it's a male turtle. entertaining things. bb loves vegetables and yy hates them. however, bb is super fussy and refuses to eat the hard parts of the vegetables, like the stem what knots. yy just refuses to eat them. but yy loves shrimps. and so does bb. when you feed shrimps, you've gotta get one person to feed bb one shrimp at a time while you pour in some shrimp for yy to eat. and does he eat quickly. why you have to do this it that bb is so huge that she can block yy off from the shrimps if you simply pour the shrimps in, so yy won't get to eat them. poor thing. same as food pellets. you've gotta turn them opposite ways and pour food in separately. have i said this? they're super fussy eaters. and they're super musical. when ever someone plays the piano, they start dancing. when the wind chime rings, they dance again. when someone sings, they dance also. as long as there's music, they dance. and no, it's not a responding to sound thing. they don't respond when you're simply talking or laughing. and they're super crawlers. my mum left them in the balcony and closed the balcony door, leaving a small gap, so that they could run around free in the balcony for awhile. BUT. when she went back to the balcony, they disappeared! and where were they? one was knocking on my door and the other was sitting in for my sister's chinese tuition. what wonderful crawlers. and mighty fast too. try to catch them and they run like free.. as free as a turtle can with it's short legs anyway. in addition, they are amazing climbers.we barricaded their roaming area with heaps and heaps of newspaper once, thinking 'that should do it'. they won't be able to escape. and when we come back, where are they? roaming the house. again. apparently, they climbed the newspapers, half way up to my knee high and made their escapes. scary things they can be... and they're huge. nd still growing i suppose. apparently they can grow up to 30 inches, which is... .762m... freak. that's damn long. shoots.my my... it's living in some unoptimum condition with no basking spot and no huge water mass for it to swim in... so sorry my dear terrapin turtles.. welsh, the miaomi is thinking of releasing it in some pond or something, but it's sad... noooo. well she's been thinking about it for maybe about 4 years? haha. well, hope it doesn't happen. ish going to make the ridiculously free sister to make the 'tank' a optimum place for it to stay, with basking spots etc. =)) if successful. =..=
and so. the animal report is done.
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23:17
leaveheart.. 0
12.10.08
= that's it. =
i wanna eat ice cream.
soft serve ice cream. MOF ice cream. Marvelous cream ice cream. cold rock ice cream.
ICE CREAM!!!!!COME TO ME!!!
envy and possessiveness are not good traits.
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14:46
leaveheart.. 0
= that's it. =
instrumental music.
consisting of rhythm, time, form and structure, melody, harmony, variations....
what makes it so different from other art forms? like dance, art, drama, vocal music even...
i used to think that i hated choir and singing and drama and dance and art..
i suppose, now that it's not a matter of me hating it, but rather me not knowing it and thus thinking i hate it.
i used to hate dance so much that i hated exaggerated movements, preferring not to move as much as possible, move as simply as possible. Even being very conscious about how i move and all, feeling very upset, embarrassed or even angry at myself for moving more than necessary. I really hated moving. seeing my sisters take up dance lessons and myself not having the opportunity to experience dance at a 'professional' level made me envious maybe.
drama as well. i hated it so much. maybe because of the flamboyance (regardless action, speech, movement or anything) associated with it, but i really hated it. i hated displaying myself to the audience, yet i yearned for recognition.
i hated my voice. maybe i still do. i hated it so much that i changed it. i changed the way i say things, the tone of my voice, even my voice itself, how it sounds. the pitch, the timbre. i changed it so much that i don't even remember how my voice really sounds like. every time i feel like my voice has a whining quality or goes higher, i'd immediately feel irritated and change it. it changes so frequently. by extension, i hated singing. the requirement of girls to have high singing voices pissed me off and i looked to the carpenters, cos she had a really beautiful low voice. but then, my kid vocal cords couldn't sing that low.and so i hated singing. because i could not. i tried to speak as little as i could as well.
i hated drawing as well. it never turned out as i wanted it to. the things i drew always lack something. something that made it not turn out the way i want, the style i want. i loved looking at beautiful things nd commenting about them. i could tell when things were not beautiful and sometimes, could tell what was wrong and how to change it, but i couldn't do it nonetheless. there was art class and i supposedly did pretty well in them, praising myself because i saw my work as more beautiful than others', but there was never praise from others. the teachers sticking in their hands to meddle in my art made me freaking pissed as well. i wanted it my way. i didn't want them to touch it, but i didn't say it, and they did anyway.
they say you can dance, sing, act, draw even if you don't take lessons or are no good at it, but i begged to differ. i assumed that in order to have the rights to do something, you need to have the ability, knowledge or expertise to do so. if you don't have knowledge of how to do it or even about it, you have no rights to do it. especially if you can't do it well.
recognition i suppose is very important to everyone.. without the acknowledgement from others, people may (or may not) become adverse to certain activities. like how when we had to perform a play in secondary school for some exam (i suppose, not being able to remember), i remember trying my best to perform my role well. but even when the teachers praise one outstanding one, and say good job to the rest, i felt really upset. maybe envious even, that i was not the outstanding one being praised. i suppose i'm quite a selfish person, but that kind of praise of good job just places one with the rest of the flock of sheep.
one solution would be for the teachers to praise each and every student with the same thing. but then what will happen to motivation? it'll be gone for the truly good students. and what will happen to capitalism? hrmph.
this solution appears to focus on not hurting each student, but wouldn't that hurt the students who truly need or deserve the praise?
i once thought that teachers should know each and every students' good points and weaknesses, to praise each and every student as they deserve it, not merely a good job, but a personalised praise. but then, what will happen to the teachers? they'd overwork i suppose.
there isn't truly a method to ensure everyone doesn't get hurt is there? i suppose that for one peron to benefit, another has to be stripped of that benefit. true, this view can be overturned, but i'd like to see the day when it happens. when it happens, there'd be the void of certain emotions such as anguish, irritation, envy etc. sounds good? what can be good whe you don't have anything bad to compare it with. as John the Savage (Brave New World) said defiantly: "all right, then, i claim the right to be unhappy."
but who would claim that right willingly? that's why there are people suffering from depression, etc, cos they can't accept that they have to claim the unhappiness in order to really experience what is true happiness.
i suppose i haven't really learnt how to claim the right to be unhappiness. i suppose that i've been trying to lead my life happy all round, getting irritated at things that don't go my way, at people who don't suit my taste, at situations that i hate, of things that i don't want to do.
but i'm trying i guess.
learning to speak out has been a painful process,
learning to sing out has been excruciating,
learning to accept my drawings/doodles has been a process full of shame when i look at the end product,
learning so that i won't hate it and will accept it,
learning to 'dramatise', to move naturally, to be natural is still an awkward process,
but i'm trying. at least i think i am.
these process i guess will have to continue for a long time throughout my life.
but the processes are hindered when things change. when things change, i get flustered, awkward, uncomfortable and all, and i'll end up withdrawing, to stop expressing myself. makes me really unhappy, but i feel that alot of the time i refuse to acknowledge that i have to accept that unhappiness. and that makes me annoyed to realise that this will only serve to sink me deeper into unhappiness. not a good thing.
i'm sure that many people feel the same way too, and or can't do anything about it. know that you're not the only one. i'm still trying to find a tied rope to pull myself out of this quagmire and walk away from it. when i do, i'll post it, but until then, know that you're not the only one.
well, it is all a matter of the mind, as the piaopi says. it is. but without the conditions to allow the mind to be happy, the mind has a difficult time trying to escape from unhappiness. can a person, fallen and sucked in by the quagmire pull himself out by himself? no. he needs something he can hold on to, whether a solid branch, a rope, better still, the aid of someone close by, but not so close that they fall in too. can a person in a quagmire seek the help of another person in the quagmire? no. they'll probably sink even faster. so, it's not all a matter of the mind, my dear piaopi. a person stuck in a quagmire needs help. not just the mind.
the miaomi says to do whatever you want, yet she interferes. my dear miaomi, it's not just a simple do whatever you want. it's a do whatever you want the makes you happy and satisfied. and without the interference of another person. maybe advice, but never interference. never ever interference. advice must be given i believe. never put down the ideas of another person. when i say i want to do something, don't put me down. i know i'm not good enough, but don't put me down. i can do this. the miaomi claims she never sees me doing it, but i do it when you don't see it so you can't say i'm irritating you with it.. when real passion comes, it's often misunderstood as a fad. especially if the passion is in something unsual or something the miaomi doesn't believe in. my dear miaomi, you really can't put it down..
it's hard to make choices when faced with these kind of problems, but it's not use trying to escape from it or blaming others, cos it'll just make matters worse. so make up your mind already, you idiot. life isn't simple and you shouldn't give in no matter what. so stop being an idiot and work and decide already.
i'm really sorry. don't forgive me.
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00:42
leaveheart.. 0
2.10.08
= that's it. =
and i wonder what she did.
focus not on the white rabbit but the cat.
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17:17
leaveheart.. 0
