12.10.08
= that's it. =
instrumental music.
consisting of rhythm, time, form and structure, melody, harmony, variations....
what makes it so different from other art forms? like dance, art, drama, vocal music even...
i used to think that i hated choir and singing and drama and dance and art..
i suppose, now that it's not a matter of me hating it, but rather me not knowing it and thus thinking i hate it.
i used to hate dance so much that i hated exaggerated movements, preferring not to move as much as possible, move as simply as possible. Even being very conscious about how i move and all, feeling very upset, embarrassed or even angry at myself for moving more than necessary. I really hated moving. seeing my sisters take up dance lessons and myself not having the opportunity to experience dance at a 'professional' level made me envious maybe.
drama as well. i hated it so much. maybe because of the flamboyance (regardless action, speech, movement or anything) associated with it, but i really hated it. i hated displaying myself to the audience, yet i yearned for recognition.
i hated my voice. maybe i still do. i hated it so much that i changed it. i changed the way i say things, the tone of my voice, even my voice itself, how it sounds. the pitch, the timbre. i changed it so much that i don't even remember how my voice really sounds like. every time i feel like my voice has a whining quality or goes higher, i'd immediately feel irritated and change it. it changes so frequently. by extension, i hated singing. the requirement of girls to have high singing voices pissed me off and i looked to the carpenters, cos she had a really beautiful low voice. but then, my kid vocal cords couldn't sing that low.and so i hated singing. because i could not. i tried to speak as little as i could as well.
i hated drawing as well. it never turned out as i wanted it to. the things i drew always lack something. something that made it not turn out the way i want, the style i want. i loved looking at beautiful things nd commenting about them. i could tell when things were not beautiful and sometimes, could tell what was wrong and how to change it, but i couldn't do it nonetheless. there was art class and i supposedly did pretty well in them, praising myself because i saw my work as more beautiful than others', but there was never praise from others. the teachers sticking in their hands to meddle in my art made me freaking pissed as well. i wanted it my way. i didn't want them to touch it, but i didn't say it, and they did anyway.
they say you can dance, sing, act, draw even if you don't take lessons or are no good at it, but i begged to differ. i assumed that in order to have the rights to do something, you need to have the ability, knowledge or expertise to do so. if you don't have knowledge of how to do it or even about it, you have no rights to do it. especially if you can't do it well.
recognition i suppose is very important to everyone.. without the acknowledgement from others, people may (or may not) become adverse to certain activities. like how when we had to perform a play in secondary school for some exam (i suppose, not being able to remember), i remember trying my best to perform my role well. but even when the teachers praise one outstanding one, and say good job to the rest, i felt really upset. maybe envious even, that i was not the outstanding one being praised. i suppose i'm quite a selfish person, but that kind of praise of good job just places one with the rest of the flock of sheep.
one solution would be for the teachers to praise each and every student with the same thing. but then what will happen to motivation? it'll be gone for the truly good students. and what will happen to capitalism? hrmph.
this solution appears to focus on not hurting each student, but wouldn't that hurt the students who truly need or deserve the praise?
i once thought that teachers should know each and every students' good points and weaknesses, to praise each and every student as they deserve it, not merely a good job, but a personalised praise. but then, what will happen to the teachers? they'd overwork i suppose.
there isn't truly a method to ensure everyone doesn't get hurt is there? i suppose that for one peron to benefit, another has to be stripped of that benefit. true, this view can be overturned, but i'd like to see the day when it happens. when it happens, there'd be the void of certain emotions such as anguish, irritation, envy etc. sounds good? what can be good whe you don't have anything bad to compare it with. as John the Savage (Brave New World) said defiantly: "all right, then, i claim the right to be unhappy."
but who would claim that right willingly? that's why there are people suffering from depression, etc, cos they can't accept that they have to claim the unhappiness in order to really experience what is true happiness.
i suppose i haven't really learnt how to claim the right to be unhappiness. i suppose that i've been trying to lead my life happy all round, getting irritated at things that don't go my way, at people who don't suit my taste, at situations that i hate, of things that i don't want to do.
but i'm trying i guess.
learning to speak out has been a painful process,
learning to sing out has been excruciating,
learning to accept my drawings/doodles has been a process full of shame when i look at the end product,
learning so that i won't hate it and will accept it,
learning to 'dramatise', to move naturally, to be natural is still an awkward process,
but i'm trying. at least i think i am.
these process i guess will have to continue for a long time throughout my life.
but the processes are hindered when things change. when things change, i get flustered, awkward, uncomfortable and all, and i'll end up withdrawing, to stop expressing myself. makes me really unhappy, but i feel that alot of the time i refuse to acknowledge that i have to accept that unhappiness. and that makes me annoyed to realise that this will only serve to sink me deeper into unhappiness. not a good thing.
i'm sure that many people feel the same way too, and or can't do anything about it. know that you're not the only one. i'm still trying to find a tied rope to pull myself out of this quagmire and walk away from it. when i do, i'll post it, but until then, know that you're not the only one.
well, it is all a matter of the mind, as the piaopi says. it is. but without the conditions to allow the mind to be happy, the mind has a difficult time trying to escape from unhappiness. can a person, fallen and sucked in by the quagmire pull himself out by himself? no. he needs something he can hold on to, whether a solid branch, a rope, better still, the aid of someone close by, but not so close that they fall in too. can a person in a quagmire seek the help of another person in the quagmire? no. they'll probably sink even faster. so, it's not all a matter of the mind, my dear piaopi. a person stuck in a quagmire needs help. not just the mind.
the miaomi says to do whatever you want, yet she interferes. my dear miaomi, it's not just a simple do whatever you want. it's a do whatever you want the makes you happy and satisfied. and without the interference of another person. maybe advice, but never interference. never ever interference. advice must be given i believe. never put down the ideas of another person. when i say i want to do something, don't put me down. i know i'm not good enough, but don't put me down. i can do this. the miaomi claims she never sees me doing it, but i do it when you don't see it so you can't say i'm irritating you with it.. when real passion comes, it's often misunderstood as a fad. especially if the passion is in something unsual or something the miaomi doesn't believe in. my dear miaomi, you really can't put it down..
it's hard to make choices when faced with these kind of problems, but it's not use trying to escape from it or blaming others, cos it'll just make matters worse. so make up your mind already, you idiot. life isn't simple and you shouldn't give in no matter what. so stop being an idiot and work and decide already.
i'm really sorry. don't forgive me.
;
00:42
leaveheart.. 0
